And Life Goes On

Each day has a special challenge and gift. I firmly believe it is our choice in how we handle both. Do we accept our challenges and use our gifts? I know I don't. In so many ways day to day life wins over and over and over again. I forget to smile, I forget to say Thank You, I forget that my life is pretty darn good.

Last month some ucky things happened and I think for the first time in a long time I accepted them with grace and dignity. I faced a challenge head on instead on meandering around it trying to control things. I have a hard time letting go of control. I never thought of myself as a control freak but 10 years married to an alcoholic and 13 years raising four kids on my own I tend to micro-manage everything. I don't mean to, I just don't have time for the silly stuff (insert any other term here you would like).

How does one show one's inner self? I used to be very open with sharing who I was, I liked me.. I was silly and fun and clever and witty and then I tumbled down into the abyss of alcoholism (not mine but my spous') and spent so many years trying to fix things make them work that sadly my children don't even know the real me. They don't know the person who laughs at life, who values those around her and chooses to enjoy each day. They see a boring drudge who can and will manipulate those around her in order to make life work. I don't necessarily regret doing that because sometimes we had food on the table and a roof over our heads provided by the force of my personality alone. But after a while it takes something from you. In a way you are selling yourself.. prostituting yourself. At first it makes perfect sense but one day you wake up and realize what you have become and how far you have tumbled. You realize that each teeny step has dragged you farther and farther away from who you are and what you were meant to be. Then you look ups and see the incredibly long path you have to take to get back to where you started... and continue down the correct path.

I am not complaining, life is good, really. I have healthy happy children... God has blessed me. They all have an amazing sense of self and are aware that while life is not always easy it is always blessed..

Oh well so much for my ramble of the day