Broken Dreams that Aren't

I have spent much time recently dealing with the past and will continue to do so. It's needed, sorry if these blogs seem down and depressing.. but it's kind of fun to be able to write about me.. and not have to listen to what's wrong with me.. 

But I had an interesting morning and wanted to share. I was feeling sort of broken, like I wasn't going to make it through the day (I have those a lot.. but look I always make it) and was going to write about it. So I started looking for pictures of broken stuff. What I found was an amazing assortment of art using broken materials. Beautiful, creative, captivating pictures.. That got me thinking..

We have all been broken in some matter or other.. ALL. OF. US.. some people can go through life never really feeling that pain. Some remain broken and are tossed aside, not because they are not wanted or loved but because they toss themselves there. Some, like me are broken and refuse to acknowledge it.. Some are truly broken and may be beyond repair..

The difference is, what do we do with our brokenness  Do we whine and cry and regret our broken dreams? Or do we create new ones from the pieces we have left?

I know I have deep deep dreams and things I still want to do with my life. I am 51 and free (sort of). My kids are grown, I don't own property, I really have nothing keeping me in one place.. So it's time I used those broken pieces to create new dreams.. for the life I  find.. not the one I didn't

Shauni

Don't worry all, I am sure tomorrow I will be back to being depressing *grins*

Doing Ok, So Far So Good

Me Now

I started my lifestyle change the other day and so far I am on track..

I have changed my eating habits.. small meals, no meals after 5 pm

I have started a very limited exercise program.. a walk to the park and around it twice then home

I have started taking care of me better.. not lazing around first thing in the morning but getting up starting my day right.. which includes putting on makeup - a soft layer that just shows I am taking time for me.

For those who wonder about my diet plans.. I need to loose around 175lbs.. yes that is way to much weight to have as a weight loss goal but I gained it so now, I must loose it..

I am on what my mom and I refer to as the three W's diet.. 

I Walk

I drink lots of Water

and I Watch what I eat!!

Not very fancy, not very "in" but instead a practical slow way to loose the weight that I have piled on over the years.  

Watching What I eat Portion sizes is actually one of the hardest things.. We are a supersize society.. we think in Extra Large.. I need to think in regular... The best part about it is I don't need to starve myself to loose weight I need to eat properly.. 

Water.. believe it or not this was hard. I had to stop drinking soda.. I have spent years treating soda like my main source of hydration.. yeah not healthy at all.. Worse, I drank diet soda.. do you know the damage diet soda does to your body? I did too, just chose to ignore it.. Finally at the beginning of March I gave up soda.. Not gee I am an soda alcoholic and can never have soda again.. but rather soda is a  TREAT therefor should only be drank/drunk/drinked on special occasions. I have had three individual sized sodas since. Just think I was drinking two, two liters every three days. And nothing else.. no tea, no milk, no juice just soda.. I am rather proud of this particular accomplishment.. 

Walking.. this is hard for me because I am pathetically out of shape. Me, the one most of my friends growing up would have called the athlete.. The jock.. now I am just the slug.. So walking it is.. slow and steady. Right now I am not even power walking. I get a cardio if I just get up off the couch.. So I get up.. walk out the door, to the park and around it! Right now just once a day but on Sunday I will start walking TWICE a day!! Sounds so easy doesn't it? 

Day by day it has already gotten easier.. my life is going to change.. I will be adding some other things for my mental health as well soon.

I want to seriously dedicate a minimum of two hours a day to my writing..

I want to spend some dedicated and scheduled time in my devotions.. no more gee God I don't have the time right now.. I am going to make it.

I want to get my hands on a camera and as I start venturing farther and farther afield I want to be able to photograph my world.. Find the joy again

and eventually.. I want to get a bike.. 

See where I am headed? I am adding some W's 

Wheels, Writing, Wondering (devotions) even *gasp* Working...

But for now it's baby steps and a trip around the park!

Alone in the Darkness

Have you ever had one of those moments when you know you stand alone? When life just seems to be falling apart around you? When you know this time you are seriously going to crash and burn? Of course you have.. we all have. 

What do you do about it? How do you manage it? What gives you hope? How do you carry on? It's a question that has come to my attention a lot lately. 

It seems that in the past few years I have been walking that lovely tightrope between despair and delight.. Never knowing which way my life was going to turn and having absolutely no clue what to do about it? How do I get out of this trap? Off the treadmill? How does one step out of the darkness and into the light? 

I don't want to say that I am depressed or totally lost. Of course that might be the problem.. maybe if I didn't know I could find a way out, I would stop looking.. Maybe if I wasn't able to shoulder everything, I could walk away and breathe. 

I lost my job 5 years ago and I have not been able to get out of this funk that I have been in ever since. Oh there are moments of hope.. moments of light but then I stumble back into the darkness. Absolutely no desire to deal with it. Just hide behind the obvious rather than looking for a way out. I am on a precipice.. and one more wrong move.. or worse, if I make the same move again.. I might just loose my mind. 

Repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again gets old fast! I get tired of believing in that one thing that is just out of reach.. just at the end of my fingertips. I want more but I have no idea where to find it. Where to find the door in my circular room. 

It's weird because inside I have this split.. I see so much, I dream so big and yet I see darkness and failure. Loss of light.. It's hard to get a handle on it. I know I will carry on, I will keep going but I just wish I could go in the right direction.. Shoot I just wish I could go in ANY direction. 

Shauni

Another Class Act

Taylor Swift was a recent participant of a Facebook petition to attend the prom with a cancer ridden student. 18-year-old Kevin McGuire has been battling Leukemia for most of his life. It had gone into remission but sadly it has returned. A gifted athlete and a well like young man, he has been brooding about who would want to attend prom with him now that he is bald and his body is weak. His sister, Victoria said that she would get him Taylor Swift and a facebook petition was launched.

Taylor was informed of the petition only to decline his offer *grins* don't worry she was not a heartless cow bent on her own ideals and goals.. instead she asked him if he would be her escort at this Spring's ACM Awards. Needless to say once he recovered from the shock he accepted. Let's hope he is healthy enough to go!

Way to go Taylor!!