Mama Mia what a movie

So I finally got to see Mama Mia, I have been wanting to see it since I first saw the previews. Of course who ever thought the sounds of abba would have evolved into this... as a teen in the late 70's I could almost have guaranteed two things for sure.

1. the song YMCA would have been forgotten within a year
2. Abba was just another band of the 70's to be lost amidst all the really great music.

Good thing I didn't put any money on it...

Anyway back to the movie, yet another lesson in it is never too late. I was very happily surprised at how just plain good this was. Of course I adore both Pierce Brosnan and Colin Firth so how could it fail? It was good to know, that neither good sing.. and that with the exception of Christine Baranski, they were all decidedly middle aged. Nice to see that even hunks get the middle age spread.

If you haven't seen it, rent it. It is funny, poignant and just plain sweet. It starts out with one girl wanting to find out who she is and then ends with her mother accepting who she is... Interesting concept isn't it? The idea that life just constantly keeps going.

It made me smile... It made me remember and it made me dream what more could a middle aged single mom ask for?

The Only Way

I have had an epiphany!! Ok, so it is not so much an epiphany as a thought but there it is.

Recently I have been involved in a group, it has been a lot of fun. Over the past year it has helped me grow and find myself. Initially I was timid and reserved, then friendly and helpful. Finally, just me.

I write a blog for this group, it was my first attempt at blogs. It was well received and a lot of fun. It was more of a log of my journey than anything else. Occasionally I had been mocked for being over sensitive (something I have spent my entire life dealing with) but that was ok, I did use that blog as a means of expressing myself. One of the things I avoided was voicing my opinion about the actions of others. For a myriad of reasons.

First off, I don't enjoy hurting others, oh I can do it. I can be quite pithy when the desire strikes. I just regret it afterwords.
Second off, it felt too much like making judgments and who am I to judge others?
Thirdly, that blog is about my feelings and journey not those of anyone else.

That being said, I responded to an attack made against me. I voiced my opinions and it was freeing. I realized I so wanted to be liked that I was always going with the flow. Letting me be defined by those around me. and therein lies the epiphany....

I am me, in any rendition. I can use a screen name or my own. I can write about in here or elsewhere. I can never write about it at all, that doesn't make me any less of myself. I can't change myself and I have to stop trying to fit into a mold created by others. Not my family, not my friends, not my children, no one... none of their molds are about me. They love me or not, it can not change who I am or where I am headed.

Sorry about the total lack of organized thought and questionable lack of clarity...

Stuck in the Middle

Well it has begun, the breakup I spoke of earlier has begun to turn nasty. Who to choose, who to believe and why do I have to?

I believe strongly that the one who demands you choose sides looses the right to be my friend. All of my friends know this and yet it seems that I am dragged ever deeper into a pit of he said, she said and downright lies. There is no middle ground and I have to wonder if the best way to deal with it all is to just walk away.

It sure would make my life easier, except they have both stood by me when I needed a friend. They both in their separate ways held my hands while I cried and struggled. They both offered me their unconditional support. and now.. they both want mine.

I don't know maybe walking away would be easier, but it is more honest?

Loss

Today I saw the end of a relationship, these were two of my dearest friends and it has been horrible to watch. They have pushed and pulled and struggled harder than any two people I know to make it work.

But they were probably the least compatible two people I have ever met. They were great friends, a dynamic duo but when they put it all on the line committed to each other they crashed. And as with all crashes their was collateral damage, I am sure I am going to loose one if not both of them as friends. I will offer them what support I can but in the end I was part of their family and this part they can prune.

When in conversation with her she said she was through, no more and although I saw her pain, saw her anger I can't agree. I hope honestly and completely that she can one day look up and say yes I am ready to try again. To give my heart oh not anytime soon, that would be a joke. But I want her to see that love is something that we all should strive for, that we all should accept as our due. Oh we may never find it or not completely but to turn one's back on it? To say never again? That is condemning oneself to hell on earth.

For all the failures of my marriage and there were many to have never tried at all? What a loss that would have been. To say I will never love again? No, that is not likely. Not even in the darkest days did I say never again. I believe that we as humans need to love. We seek it out, we dream of the what if's and happily ever afters.. Oh love is not easy it is work, darned hard work but it is worth it. To be able to have that one person who holds you in the night, who keeps the demons away to even have that chance that whisper of hope? Yes it is all worth it.

To risk it all and loose has is so much better than than to never risk it at all.