Hormones and Insanity

Allow me to start this blog with I seriously hate hormones.. and I mean seriously..

When I was a child I was an insanely emotional being some I know insisted that I was over emotional. Now that may or not be the case but I learned to shut down some of the intensity. Not let everything upset me and I mean everything but it had a price. In some ways I became very one dimensional, I smiled all the time saw the good in just about everything and my single act of teenage rebellion was to go behind my parents back to get baptized.

Not that getting baptized wasn't a huge emotional moment but a lot of things that I should have dealt with in my life I didn't. The things that should have caused me huge emotional pain really just irked me. Upset me for a moment then I moved on. In a way I was stunted.

So this past year I have been pushing to find those emotions again.. the problem of course is in the timing.. I mean do I really want to discover hidden emotional capabilities when I am hitting the pre menopause state.. Good Lord!! I found the stupid emotions.. now please can I give them back??

I have cried because my kids were disrespectful to the fact that my child support check is late. Oh wait, someone doesn't like me, well let me get upset over that.. being late for a meeting?? more tears.. sheesh.. and of course there is the inability to focus.. I am usually one to roll up my sleeves and fix things but it seems I am completely immobilized..

I have finally gotten to the point where I wonder what meds I can take to fix some of it and I am not a take a pill kinda girl.. but in the mean time life goes on every incident a potential tragedy..

If I don't laugh I am gonna cry so for now I am seriously gonna laugh...

These Past Few Days Have Been a Bit Off

I just wanted to say I am sorry for the past few blogs.. by nature I am an extremely positive person who really does see the glass half full. Shoot I tend to think of it not only as half full but how easy it would be to fill it up the rest of the way. I honestly am grateful for so many things that happen every day... just the fact that I woke up today is a reason to rejoice.

So to say I have been in a dark place is an understatement. I suppose when one chooses to see the positive sometimes the negative can be overwhelming. I don't know but the past few days have been hard on me. A thoughtless remark made in anger, the phone not ringing, unable to do what I need to do, angry children, I guess it all combined to just draw me in.

Now those may indeed sound like trivial thing I mean we are not talking global warming or world hunger just day to day life but they are my burdens and occasionally they win. I promise I will be back on track with a smile on my face soon enough. I can not help it, it is who I am.

I have actually been mocked because I look at the world through "rose colored glasses" I live in "fantasyland" or "can't face reality" and I am ok with that... I would rather have those accusations heaped at me than continually wallowing in despair. So I promise I will be back soon.. until then please bear with me life just seems to be winning right this moment.

Wear Orange Today

March 1st is National Self Injury Awareness Day.

For those of you not aware of the disease let me tell you it is a sleeping giant. We may hear rumbles about it or think it is just outside the norm but it isn't it creeps into all levels of our society. It has claimed an entire generation of children enough so that ask any teenager they know someone who cuts. Someone who is so lost, afraid that she (and yes sadly it is normally a she) feels the need to cut herself. To mutilate that wonderful person, to destroy what she sees. There is no confidence no sense of self worth there is only sorrow and deep dispair.

I have a dear friend who is recovering from this affliction, an affliction much like alcoholism that one never completely recovers from. She is 27 and has been recovering for many years but still there are times when life is difficult when she is struggling that she will tell me that she almost cut herself the night before. It breaks my heart to hear this but then I find this amazing sense of pride in her that she didn't. Each day is a struggle for her and yet she is growing thriving a beautiful woman whom I am proud to my friend.

Please I ask each of you to be aware of the children around you make sure they know they are valued, loved, treasured. Know that they need us to let them know constantly that they have value. They are our hope....