This Christians Thoughts on Gay Marriage

Today is going to be a day that goes down in American History.. The day the Supreme Court recognized gay marriage. 

What does that mean to me? Well as a straight woman, very little really. I have always believed that true homosexuality was not a choice. The negatives of coming out as gay have always been higher than the positives.. a person who comes out chances, alienation of family and friends, bullying, and abuse.. sometimes even deadly. Who would "choose" that? But if it's who you are? Well.. what choice do you really have? I know as a Christian I am supposed to believe that it's a sin and I may have to answer for my opinions at some point. But even if it is a sin, it's not my sin and I have way too many of my own to judge someone else's..

Now that I have said that. Gay Marriage? 

There are two sides of the problem or rather the term marriage. Secularly, marriage is a contract between two people. So why shouldn't we as a country allow gay marriage? It's a contract and contracts are written between individuals all the time, broken as well for that matter But here's where it gets sticky.. As a Christian, marriage is a covenant with God. A Covenant between one man and one woman.. hmmmmm..

So as a Christian, I think the gay activists need to recognize the Church's right to deny to marry you. Not to deny your marriage. See the difference? I don't feel that you have the right to enter a Christian Church and demand that they marry you. Don't say it won't happen, it already has.. and there will be people, powerful people who start mongering hate because they feel they have the "right" to be married in church. You do and you don't. 

According to the first amendment the government doesn't have the right to infiltrate the church. It's that whole separation of Church and State thing. You can't claim it just when it suits you. Now it's time for you activists to truly step up... You've talked the talk for years now it's time to walk the walk. 

Before you start screaming at me and calling me names.. Let's get this straight. I have never denied gay rights and I won't start now. What I am asking, no demanding is that you don't deny mine.. or any other Christian's rights. We have the right to separation of church and state. The right to follow their own rules and laws. Recognize and respect that. If you find a church that believes it's ok go for it. Shoot, adultery is mentioned as a sin in the Bible WAY more than Homosexuality is and churches regularly marry divorced people (that's considered adultery) and marry individuals who have been living together (that's supposed to be a sin a well). BUT don't go screaming into a church and DEMAND that they marry you.. that it's your legal right. It isn't. (Don't say this won't happen.. it will)

So my point? Congratulations.. as the leader of the Free World America should do just that, lead. But as the leader of the Free World we should lead in all areas, respecting the rights of all of our citizens and most importantly, respecting the rights that were built into this very nation. The guaranteed rights.

Shauni

It's Been Two Years and 85lbs

It's hard to believe that two years ago Mother's Day, I finally got fed up. I was tired of being fat! I made a decision and I meant it. 

Two years.. the scale says I have lost 85 lbs which actually puts me 19 lbs behind schedule as my goal is a pound a week.. Gonna have to step it up this year, I have a wedding next June. 

So.. two years.. My clothes tell me I have lost weight.. but sometimes I feel like nothing is happening. I thought check out some pictures taken around the same time of year.. actually all three in May really close to Mother's Day..

Yeah.. it shows. But I am still trudging on! This year's goal is actually 71 lbs, That will put me back on the average of a pound a week.. and will put me at 156 lbs lost.. and sadly, still not done. 

The pound a week thing can be discouraging if you look at it that way.. I mean it's only a pound. And in all honesty that's really not how I lost it. I would loose weight, then plateau out, then loose some more. 

But a pound a week is an excellent goal. Long term and healthy. You didn't take two weeks to gain that weight so don't plan on loosing it in two weeks. Or in my case, two years...  in 1990 I was still way over weight but I looked like this 

That's pretty much my next weight goal.. to look basically like that.. yeah it was 25 years ago so I am gonna have some huge differences but there's my goal for this year.. 

Oh and just a little side note.. The wedding I am attending?? It is for that beautiful baby boy in the picture!

Shame on Us

Last winter in France there was a huge uproar when several employees were shot and killed at the Charlie Hebdo location. There were marches against terrorism, outcry from the media, even the liberal left was outraged that President Obama wasn't there. Charlie Hebdo printed slanderous and insulting caricatures of Muslims. It was offensive material but they didn't deserve to die for it and the world reacted. Fought hard for free speech.. 

Fast forward a couple of months...

In Texas there was a "Draw Mohammed" contest and two people were shot and 1 killed by the same people involved in the Charlie Hebdo shooting. Was the work offensive? Yes, did people deserve to die over it? No!!

And to make things worse? Our media, our politicians are rushing to blame the victims. The very people who stood firm in the Charlie Hebdo case. The people who represent the country that created Free Speech. The leaders of the Country that used to be the Leader of the Free World. 

Why are we not crying out in outrage? Why are we allowing this woman who organized this to be attacked? Was she right, no it was offensive but that shouldn't matter. The KKK has the right to march, Wesboro Baptist has the right to demonstrate. People are legally allowed to walk on the flag. These are all offensive but allowed by the right of Free Speech. Our first amendment rights. 

We, as a nation should be ashamed. Especially those who are appalled by the behavior of the media and government. Why do we remain silent as our rights are stripped? Why do we remain silent as our country shatters? 

Why is France, the country we dared to mock, leading us on what is right and how to stand for what they believe in? Why has France become the leader in Free Speech? All I have to say on that is Viva Le France!

It's time to shut up on political correctness. Be decent, accept others for who they are and be kind to one another. We don't need Political Correctness. Why do we accept it? It's POLITICAL.. it's not decent or proper or right. 

So America, Shame on Us! 

Shauni

Happy Easter, He Has Risen

Sherri Steenburgen Gone too Soon..

While Christmas always brings both laughter and tears, this year, this season, there are more tears than usual. Our family lost a dear one. My aunt left us to go home to God.. After battling cancer for several years she slipped away on the 23rd (or as  my daughter calls it Christmas Adam). 

Sherri was way to young to leave us and she left behind not just her brother, my dad, she left behind a daughter, a sister in law and several nieces and nephews, cousins and friends.. we are all grieving. 

When I was five and my parents got married, I got awesome grandparents and a spectacular aunt in the bargain. Sherri was barely ten years older than me, a teenager with an exciting life of her own. But she always had time for me. I can remember visiting my grandparents and bringing my barbies along (I needed to do something) and Sherri would come out on the front porch and play with me, for hours if need be. 

Or when she would babysit us, she would play "bartender" closing the pass through window between my parents kitchen and living room.. then we would knock and she would fling it open and snarl "what do you want?" we would order our drinks and Sherri would whip it up with Seven-Up and food coloring.. 

Simple things but the kind of memories I hold dear. 

Sherri also gave me the most amazing gift, over and over again. Whenever I go home (to California) I spend most of my vacation going from family member to family member.. but Sherri, she would always call, check my schedule and then come to see me. You see, I was that important to her. 

And of course she was never too busy for my kids, she taught them the importance of holding up the roof when going under a bridge (a family tradition I hadn't taught them). She went to amusement parks and family gatherings. She was the Steenburgen representative. And she brought her special joy to them. Teaching them another chapter in what family really is. 

We all have a light that shines within us. Some of us are beacons, a call to the lost. Some are candles, a single light in the darkness. Some are like a flash, bright, stunning and blinding, gone in a moment all too soon. But Sherri, she was a firefly. Flickering and dancing into the gloaming, a magical moment, a joy. Gone too soon but leaving behind a happy, innocent memory. And like the firefly, Sherri could never live caged.  To me Sherri will remain forever young, laughter and joy and forever missed.

Happy Veterans Day and Thank You

It's Veterans Day here in the States and I like to make sure I thank all of those who have served and fought for my freedom. ALL. OF. THEM!!

But I also like to honor and thank those of my family and friends who have given me my freedom at the risk of their lives...

John Jensen
Bill Steenburgen
Guy Lile

Kingdom LaBau

Harvey Lemming

Louis Branch

Joseph Busch

John Lill

Gerald Costin

Don Evans III

 

 

I know there are many more.. This year the names escape me.. But these are some of the nearest and dearest to my heart. Some were heroes, some were working soldiers, some were cooks, some were officers, some were not... some fought in wars, some served in peace time, Some have passed on and some still live but ALL of them gave of their time and lives.. so I thank them! From World War II to current day!! I am blessed!

 

Shauni



Two Songs of 9/11

Once again we choose to take the time to remember what happened on this day thirteen years ago.

It was a day of infamy (to borrow an old phrase), a day of awakening. It was a day when we as Americans discovered that the wars of the world were coming to our front door.

It was a day of tragedy that eventually led us to a triumph of American spirit. It was a day where we stood side by side as Americans bound together and stood tall. We did not blink.

It was also a day that led to the creating of two songs that shared with the essence of the American Spirit. Something that needs to be remembered by friend and foe alike.

SONG ONE: Toby Keith's - Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue 

Toby's song declared our wrath, our pain, our angry and our embarrassment. It showed that yes we were down but we weren't out. That we may grumble and complain, that we may bicker and squabble but when push comes to shove we are one people. We stand tall and together. We will not be pushed around. 

Just try it and see what happens.

SONG TWO: Alan Jackson's - Where We're You ( When the World Stopped Turning) 

Alan's song could be considered the weaker of the two,  it isn't. It's a song of remembrance and a shared grief. It's a song that speaks to the heart. But to me, it's a song that reminds us of who we are. Sure we are a loud, loud boisterous, sometimes arrogant people but we are also a country of compassion and yes, love. We take our hurts to the heart but we don't let them break us. Instead we use them to bring us to triumph. In the end not with revenge but with compassion. We open our arms and our hearts to all, even those who have hurt us. This does not show our weakness as others may think. No, it shows our strength.

So why do these two seemingly contradictory songs remain in our hearts and minds? Because they show who we are, both sides of us. And they should remind others that while we want peace. Why we believe that everyone should have a right to exist. We are not weak. We will not be pushed. And if you think you can take us down? Bring it! We will not blink.

Shauni

An explanation from the dark

In light of Robin Williams death there has been a lot of people asking what happened? Why did he make that choice? Why didn't he ask for help? How could this happen. 

My answers easily.. it happened because while he asked for help no one listened. When he finally realized that no one was going to help him, he made the only choice he could. I know there was more, I mean I am not part of his family or his intimate circle. But I have lived in that darkness for most of my life.

It's not always a chemical thing, it's an emotional thing. Sure people want to diagnose it and treat it with medication. Of course that is our way. Take a pill, whatever you do, don't take responsibility or reach out and help.. 

It starts early.. A child is born but it's not exactly what you want, it's too sensitive, too emotional, too, brash, too loud, too silly. Too something. Instead of embracing that joy you insist it conforms to your expectations. Lower your voice, don't be so sensitive, stop crying, it's just a movie don't get scared and the list goes on. Their lives are filled with don'ts.. Constructive criticism over and over. 

Eventually they learn, put on a mask and perform. Smile, laugh, be perfect. Don't rebel, don't yell. Take what is tossed at you. Even when they are loved and they know it they still need to conform. In many ways that's worse, if someone who loves you finds fault with you, your very personality. Then it must indeed be you. So the mask gets stronger. Slowly encasing your entire essence. 

Over time you are lost an image in the glass. Not a reflection in the mirror just the image you see out of the side of your eye when passing by a window. Never even close to what is real. But because the mask is so strong no one ever looks beneath it. To see a person who just wants to be loved, to be accepted, to find someone who will fight for them. Someone who wants the real them not the image. 

As it doesn't happen the person becomes a caricature of what they could have been. Always trying to be what they "should" be what they are "supposed" to be. Making a life for everyone else and becoming angry, bitter, lost. Then something will happen and the glass breaks... Now what?

We can't ask for help.. we aren't important enough. No one wants to hear us whine.. so we try to put the pieces back together. But it's hard. We are broken. All we lived for is lost and those who are supposed to love you, the ones you sacrificed all of you for. They are the harshest. They are the angriest. How dare you fall apart? How dare you fail? It upsets them.. Still never looking beneath the mask. 

And your children? They see strength crumble, they see failure, they don't see the person who did everything to make them strong. To believe in themselves, to love themselves. To chase their dreams. Who doesn't judge them even when they make choices that she wishes they wouldn't. They don't see the darkness you live in. Nope they see their strong parent refusing to live. Hiding out in the darkness. 

Resurrecting yourself gets harder and harder. Eventually you have a choice rip off the mask and try.. and try... and try again to find the person beneath the mask or just give up. 

The only guarantee you will have is that you will have to do it yourself. Your friends and family? Most of them will love you from afar (if that) but they can't see what you need. They don't understand how you have been dying inside for years and years. How your very essence has been suffocating.


And one day if you can't rebuild yourself.. you chose to let it all go. There are reasons some insist on nightlights, living in the dark is hard.. now imagine living there all the time.

I've been in the darkness and I will be one of the first to say that suicide is selfish. But sometimes it's because you have spent a lifetime of being selfless and you need to do just one thing for yourself. And if it's permanent, sure your loved ones are suffering but finally you aren't.

Shauni

Happy Birthday Aunt Margie

Today would have been my Aunt Margie's 104th birthday. She was and probably forever remains the matriarch of our family. An amazing woman who lived a life of grace and joy. 

It's hard for me to really tell Aunt Margie's story because it all came to me filtered through my grandma's eyes. Their story really was one story in so many ways.

Aunt Margie was the oldest of three children born in 1910. Her sister and lifelong best friend was born in 1911 and younger brother (whom I never met) was born in 1912. Having three children so close together wore out my great grandmother and she passed away soon after. Leaving these three to be raised by an absentee father and a series of housekeepers. 

At one point my great grandfather met a woman and fell in love with her, married her and then informed her that he had three children. My great grandma was pretty cool but this

Aunt Margie 1976

isn't her story. 

Grandma and Aunt Margie were products of their time and like most tweets and teenagers wanted to go along with latest fashions. They stopped wearing stockings and started wearing knee socks and were whipped. They cut their hair and were called whores (or visa versa)At the tender age of 14 & 15 they moved out of their parents home and moved into the Y (I think the YWCA because it was for women and it was the 1920's). As always they stood together.

I don't know much about Aunt Margie's first marriage with the exception that it produced

Uncle Johnny on the left, Aunt Margie on the right 1994ish

two remarkable men. In Her early to mid thirties she met my Uncle Johnny who wad ten years her junior. If course I don't know much about their courtship but they married and had sixty years together (and three more children)

Now comes the bias from my side of the family. Aunt Margie was sweet and nurturing. Always there for us but she had Uncle Johnny to lean on. She was able to stay home, had an easier life. Grandma on the other hand was wild and free, went through men, three husband's for five children... and even then took care of herself. She held TWO jobs during the depression. And from her late thirties on, did it all on her own. She was strong, she was tough..Get the implications?

Those implications came crashing down in the late 80's Aunt Margie was hospitalized, it was series and my mom was with my grandma when she git the news. My grandma, my tough, strong, do it on her own grandma, crumbled. Fell apart, lost it. Seems Aunt Margie was her rock. My mom was afraid that if Aunt Margie died so would grandma. She was so worried that she visited Aunt Margie while she was still recovering and told her, she had to get better. More than that, she had to make sure and lived long enough so that grandma would go first. It seems grandma wasn't strong enough to survive her sister. We lost grandma in 1992 but Aunt Margie was with us for another 12 years.

Years where each of my children were blessed to meet her, love her and grieve when she left us.

A truly great work.and who brought joy to every single member of her family and More. All because she remained true to who she was. I admired her so very much and loved her more. 

Shauni

Happy Easter

The Power of a Praying Woman, A Review @StormieOmartian

This book was hard for me to review because I don't usually review non fiction. But when I was browsing through Netgalley title really captured my attention. 

When I saw it I assumed it would share with me how my prayers could be answered but I also assumed it was about praying for others. To my delight it was about how a woman of God needed to remember to pray for herself. To stand firm in her faith and allow God to do the heavy lifting. 

Description

Stormie Omartian’s bestselling The Power of a Praying® series (more than 23 million copies sold) is rereleased with fresh new covers and new material to reach a still-growing market of readers eager to discover the power of prayer for their lives.

It may seem easier to pray for your spouse, your children, your friends, and your extended family, but God wants to hear your requests for your life too. He loves it when you come to Him for the things you need and ask Him to help you become the woman you have always longed to be.

The Power of a Praying® Woman is just for you. You’ll find personal illustrations, carefully selected Scriptures, and heartfelt prayers to help you

trust God with deep longings, not just pressing needs cover every area of life with prayer maintain a right heart before God

Each chapter concludes with a prayer you can follow or use as a model for your own prayers. Women of all ages will find hope and purpose for their lives with The Power of a Praying® Woman.

It shared a premise that we, as women of God, needed to pray for ourselves. We aren't being selfish.. God expects it of us. He wants that relationship with us. It got me thinking about interacting with my friends and family. When do I share with them? When do I ask for help? When do I... yeah all the time. I don't limit my conversations with my family to talking about others. No I discuss my life, my hopes, my fears, my struggles and my joys. Stormie Omartian just helped me remember that God wants that too. 

But it did more than point out the obvious, it offered a guideline. Ms Omartian took individual aspects of a woman's life and helped her direct a prayer for it. Helped her focus and give direction to her prayers. 

This book was way more than a self help book or an instruction manual, it is a tool that can help women of all ages connect with God. To strengthen the bond and help ferment a relationship that we all dream of. 

I was thinking this might be a good book instead I found a wealth of information about my relationship with God. 

This is not a one and done read, it will remain on my bookshelf as a tool and reminder for when I am struggling with prayer. 

Thanks Stormie..

Shauni



This review is based on the ARC of The Power of a Praying Woman, provided by netgalley

Looking to make a Donation?

It's that time of the year when our hearts are full and we want to do something for our fellow man. Sometimes we are running around so much we don't know where to even look to make a great donation. Sure, I always drop my change in the Santa bucket but there has to be more.

 My oldest daughter attends Western Illinois University and she is part of an amazing fundraising project.

 "Dear Friends,

I hope you will consider supporting my participation in WIU Dance Marathon. All contributions will benefit and be divided among the Children's Miracle Network Hospitals of Greater St. Louis, St. Louis Children's Hospital and SSM Cardinal Glennon Children's Medical Center. Any contribution will help, and all donations are tax deductible.

I am on WIU's first E-Board as the Finance Chair, this money we raise doesn't just help the families financially but it helps lift some stress from these families and gives the kids a comfortable environment to be in, this event and organization is very dear to my heart, any amount will help me get to my goal by Feb 1st.

 Donating online is safe and easy! To make an online donation please click the "Support Me!" button on this page. Thank you for visiting my fundraising page! For The Kids!"

You can link to her fundraising page HERE.. this donation will go directly into a fund sponsored by WIU, not into my daughter's hands.. So if you are looking for a way to share your good fortune, give a thought to this noble cause..

 Shauni

Thanking My Veterans

I have what I have, I am what I am because there were those who were willing to die for me. So today I honor the veterans in my life.

John Jensen

Harvey Lemming

Louis Branch

Bill Steenburgen

King LaBau

Tom LaBau

Gerald Costin

John Lill

There are more.. I meet veterans in my every day life but these are my veterans and I am proud of them

Shauni

A New Project, A New Cookbook

Twenty years ago, my cousin Shelia decided to gather all of our family recipes and put them into one amazing cookbook! I can't believe it's been Tweny years!

 This cookbook is absolutely amazing almost 250 pages of recipes, stories and pictures offering us a glimpse into our past. My children, my girls especially, love this cookbook. They would take it out just to read it and share the stories. Due to some circumstances of my constant moving, I lost my book.. so of course I have spent some time retyping the entire thing! Using my cousin's (not Shelia's that would be too easy) book, I spent a week just retyping it. Soon I am going to get it to Kinkos to make copies for all of my kids. OF course first I have to get my sister to scan the cover and all the pictures in the book, so I can give them an accurate book.

 But it has been 20 years and things have changed. We lost some of our most precious family members and dear friends and we gained an entire generation. Fortunately our losses have been few and our gains have been many! With these new family members new recipes have come to be. Maybe we married into a recipe that our children love and consider a family tradition. Or maybe we created a recipe or two of our own. Or found a really tasty one on facebook and just had to try it.. then of course had to make a few changes to it.. Whatever the reason, I know there are a plethora of recipes still not saved for posterity..

 SOOOOOO. I have decided it's time to create a Volume II. Yep, I am stealing, Shelia's idea and going to create a new book. BUT it's a family cookbook, so that means I need family recipes. And by family, I mean family and friends.. so Lori and Lisa and Doreene and Judy (Your mom is already in Vol I) and all the rest of you.. send me your recipes!! I will be gathering and organizing recipes until April 1, 2014. I want to be able to give this new book to Frankie (Word Girl) when she graduates from Western Illinois University this May!

 I will of course have it available for each of you to purchase (cost only) if any of you want to add to your family cookbook collection. As for Vol I, if Shelia is ok with it I will have it available as well but that is her intellectual property and I don't want to take credit where it isn't due. Those of you who have seen it know it is a spectacular work of art! From the cover all the way to the very last page! I can only hope that Volume II will be as good!

 You can send me your recipes via Facebook I am listed there as Shaughnessey Steenburgen-Lill (send me a message you can add files to it)or of course you can email it to me at Shaunispeaks@yahoo.com. Don't worry about how they look.. I will be formating them so all the recipes look the same. Of course if you have a picture to go with your recipe, send it too! It will just add a different flavor to Vol. II 

Shauni

Introspection Sucks!!

As you may know, I have been writing the past few weeks about me.. really all about me and my feelings and the way I have shoved parts of me aside for way to long.. and frankly, it's beginning to bore me. I know if I feel that way.. how must anyone else reading these posts feel?

The thing is I need to say some of the stuff, I need to let it go.. but all this whining, poor me stuff.. yeah, that's so for the birds. 

The truth is, I have had a pretty good life. My childhood wasn't perfect, my parents were flawed and made mistakes (I of course have never made a parental mistake). But as imperfect as it was.. It was awfully good.. I traveled, I played sports, I went to camp (because I wanted to.. I wasn't shipped off to get rid of me.. ok maybe I was for a week but it was a blast LOL), I was active in scouts and school. Shoot I even went to private protestant High School because I wanted to.. Yep my non believer parents forked out a monthly tuition so I could go to private school! And most importantly of all, I was loved. 

I had a large extended family that I adored being a part of.. I always felt a little like that square peg.. but that's on me.. If I didn't quite fit, that's ok, they still loved, odd, loud, brash little ole me. I wasn't a perfect child.. they weren't perfect people.. we all just were.. and are.

So.. how did I get so messed up? I had all that going for me.. Oh did I mention I grew up in Southern California? 30-45 minutes from the ocean, 1 1/2 hours from the mountains, 20 minutes (in heavy traffic) from Disneyland, 10 from Knott's Berry Farm.. yeah, life was tough.. now back to the question.. How did I get so messed up? Somewhere I stopped believing in me.. I started letting everyone else, no matter how good intended, shape me. In doing that I lost all of me.. So I want to blame the entire world for who I am.. yeah.. not gonna wash..

 In losing myself and letting others define me I came across as week and useless.. ever feeding the negative impression of myself. If I couldn't stand up for myself of course someone else was going to make decisions.. Taking that power back is hard.. Why? Because after 50 years.. people get into habits.. now my struggles seem like a spoiled child lashing out.. I'm not really!! I know I have had it pretty darn good. 

But for now.. maybe I need to have it not so good.. Maybe I need to struggle on my own.. ok, did that while raising the kids.. but maybe I need to let go of the harsh control on my emotions.. my true strength has always been my ability to feel.. So now I need to allow myself to do that again. Stop thinking being "too sensitive" is bad.. I am sensitive, not too sensitive.. sensitive!! It's who I am!! Deal with it! I am!

Shauni

This post was written with a smile.. no stupid emo stuff today!!

It's Coming OFF!!

It's been a while since I spoke of my weight loss plans, diet, goals, etc.. but I have some seriously awesome news!!

Yesterday I actually got on a scale for the first time since I started this 3 W (Walking, Water and Watching What I eat). I avoided scales for a number of reasons.. but mostly so I wouldn't be disappointed. I mean work really hard and then discover I had only lost a couple of pounds? So I waited

Now you all know, I have had clothing discoveries.. (where tops hang on me, my pants fall from me, little things like that) but I hadn't even considered purchasing new clothes as of yet. Honestly, I want to be able to go in and buy clothes that are two sizes smaller (it will be ok if they are a little snug) so I can wear them for a longer period of time than just one size smaller (cuz I am so gonna shrink out of those too). 

Since I have been at my cousins house I have been eating better? Well more consistently (family dinners and all that) and I haven't been walking as much.. So I was a bit worried. I even imagined that my pants were starting to get snug again.. At least one pair.. and yet my pants that were always just too tight for comfort are loose on me, so those other pants can't be too snug. 

BUT.. I forced myself to finally step on a scale.. are you ready?? Oh sorry, one last caveat.. I loose weight all over, so it's highly conceivable that I can loose quite a bit and still be wearing the same size clothes.. Quite a bit like say 45 POUNDS!! Yes that is right as of yesterday I had lost 45 POUNDS!! Can you see me doing the happy dance? I am a little of my goal as I wanted to have lost 50 lbs by Sept 1.. but I think I can live with the disappointment..

As always, each success story gets me re excited!! And makes me push that much harder towards my goal!! Hopefully by Christmas, I will look good enough that I am happy to share pictures.. and by Word Girl's College Graduation next spring.. I am so gonna be SMOKIN!!

I Am An American

I had tons of pictures I considered sharing today.. but this one touched my heart.. There are thousands, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands maybe even millions of bikers descending upon Washing DC today to ride in their own parade to commemorate 9/11. To remind our lawmakers who and what we are and to honor those who fell for this cause. Both on 9/11 and since! 

The Bikers were denied a parade permit, some say because they waited too late and some say because of more nefarious reasons, but they will still create their own parade. They just have to obey all the traffic laws.. well all the laws. Washington DC allows for non permitted parades and such as long as you don't break any laws.. What would have been an hour or two honoring the fallen, becomes a day long event.. causing untold traffic issues (I'm sure)


I believe in the United States of America, as a government of the people, by the people, for the people; whose just powers are derived from the consent of the governed; a democracy in a republic; a sovereign Nation of many sovereign States; a perfect union, one and inseparable; established upon those principles of freedom, equality, justice, and humanity for which American patriots sacrificed their lives and fortunes.


I therefore believe it is my duty to my country to love it, to support its Constitution, to obey its laws, to respect its flag, and to defend it against all enemies.

My question is, when did bikers become the symbol for this great country? When did something that stood for rebellion and anarchy become the leaders on how to salute, respect and live for our country? It's interesting isn't it, that our rebels once again have to show us how to stand for our rights.. stand for our country and stand for our constitution. While our lawmakers waffle, our oh so proper, snivel and our baby boomers (ok not all of them) laugh in glee.. Our Bikers, our Rebels once again say I. AM. AN. AMERICAN!!!! which means what? I CAN!!

Shauni

Hearing Voices

What does this pic have to do with hearing voices? Well nothing, I just like the picture

Sometimes I hear voices in my head.. ok, now that I have pretty much declared that I am nuts.. allow me to expound.. Seriously, I hear voices.. Often as I go through life I hear the "voices" of others, loser, fatty, useless, no good, ugly.. you know those voices.. In all reality most of the voices I hear are more what I think of myself than what others think of me. Most of the time, people either have no opinion of me or even have a positive one. The only voices I am hearing are my own. 

Sometimes, it's guilt.. you know how much your mother wants you to be happy and you aren't living a happy life so you are sure she is so disappointed in you (this happens a lot). Your mother is neither disappointed or unhappy with you. She still loves you, is still proud of you and still stands beside you. No matter that you aren't living the life she dreamed of for you. 

Years ago (coincidentally enough, right before my marriage ended) my mother was visiting and turned to me and said "You know, I am really proud of you. You chose a life I didn't want for you but you are making it work. You are raising great kids and accomplishing your dreams" Yeah.. she said it.. too bad I didn't tape it *grins*. She was sincere too. She isn't the type to waste her time on sarcasm. It remains one of my most treasured moments.. because I constantly hear my projections of her thoughts and those voices never say she is proud of me. 

I think that is one of my (probably everyone's) greatest flaws.. projecting your thoughts into other's words. You have to let that go. Stop expecting others to think you are a failure.. most of them really don't care.. Another great mom quote.. 

                 when I was about 20 or so, I told my mom that I felt that                            everyone was talking about me and used the old.. whenever I                        walk into a room everyone stops talking line.. my mom's response                  and believe me it's a keeper.. "What makes you think you are so                    important that everyone is talking about you?" 

Now... there are those who could argue that she was smashing down my self   esteem but they would be wrong, that really wasn't what she meant.. She was making a valid observation.. Hello, you are NOT Queen of the Universe (ok, I am but I haven't sent out the memo to everyone yet), other people have lives, thoughts, concerns that do not involve you. To this day, I say that to myself when I am unsure or feeling insecure about what others think of me. 

As often as I point out that these blogs are about me.. not anyone else, I have to remember that most of the world feels the same way. It's about them.. they have their own voices to deal with.. Their own insecurities.. Do they really care what is going on in my life? Nope.. 

The select few.. my family, you know the one who was so mean to me (that btw was sarcasm)... just want me to succeed.. Sure dealing with the pressure of just whose definitions of success matter is hard. But we all have to go through it. I may be on shaky ground I may be trying to figure out how to be true to myself.. how to live my dreams not fail at the dreams of others but my foundation remains forever solid. I am loved.. Dearly.. I know that for a fact and I need to say it more regularly!!

Shauni

Another Post on Family

If you have been reading my blogs, you might get the impression that I don't like my family or I resent them. When in fact the exact opposite is true. I admire these individuals beyond anyone else in the world. They are strong, resilient, tough, giving, smart, unique individuals. Most of whom have found their own paths in life and have figured out how to juggle who they are with who society expects them to be. It's not dislike when I make some statements rather envy. 

I want to be one of them and the only way that can happen is if I let myself be me. Oh sure I am sure I won't connect with all of them. I mean how could I they are a vast and varied group of people. But I know my little piece of the puzzle is just as important to the family picture than all of theirs. I just have to find where I fit. 

And because I have spent most of my life trying to force the fit, I don't. Does that make sense? See this is why these posts aren't about anyone else but me. 

I will refer to one person who I find absolutely amazing. My mom.. oh sure she drives me batty and God willing she will be messing with my head for decades to come, BUT she is an amazing woman. Now in general I don't write about her because she doesn't like to have her life out there. So this isn't about her as a person, it's about my mom.. yep making it all about me.

I jokingly tell my friends to watch out when meeting my family because I am the nice one, the one the rest of them walk all over (implying I am a pushover) but funnily enough, my mom refers to herself in a similar manner. Now I see a tough as nails woman who still scares me straight.. but really she has a huge heart that has allowed others to take advantage.. until she gets fed up.. Then they get confused.. how could she be so mean? yeah.. she's not mean, she's treating you the way the rest of the world would have but because she has been letting you walk all over her for most of your life.. it's seems extreme. 

I admire this woman so much.. I know every time I go somewhere new, I think of all the questions I need to ask. All the things I need to find out and discover all the secret worlds a community has to offer. This was a gift from my mother.. She is never lost, just always in some new place to be discovered. There is ALWAYS something interesting about where ever she is. And she has passed that interest on to her children and grandchildren, even when they don't realize it. 

There is so much more to my mom.. but respecting her desire to not have her life broadcast all over the internet, I am trying to be vague.. 

But whenever someone should think I don't love or respect or admire the heck out of this women, think again.. I am who I am, able to fight back, able to write these blogs, able stand tall, because she forced me to fight for myself.. Her dreams for me were so big they were a tad intimidating but as I wander this particular journey, I know.. without those dreams and her strength, I wouldn't be the woman I am right now.. The woman fighting the constraints put upon me by what I "think" I am supposed to be.

So thanks mom

Shauni

Family

Do you realize how much of who we are is defined by our family? How we let others tell us who and what we are? Of course in turn we do the same thing. It's part of the human nature I think. Finding your niche. 

The problem isn't when family defines you, it's when the definition doesn't fit.. and yet you still let it stand. You don't have to be a witch or an ogre about it but you do need to define yourself. 

I was initially, the daughter, then the chatty one, then the happy one,  then the smart one, then the creative one, then the "religious one, then the one who didn't live up to her potential, then the one who can't make it on her own, then... see what I mean.. I was never just one of those things. I have been several of them together and none of them. I am a mixture of all those things. But I am so much more. I am the one who stood alone, the one who was different, the one who was always on the outside, the one who found her own beat, the one who won't give up on herself, the one who demands justice.. 

As much as I rage against my family defining me, I will admit that I have definitions of my family as well. Not all of them are pretty.. but most of them make me seem like a lesser being.. There are the beautiful ones (My sister and a few of my cousins). The smart ones (my aunt and yes a few of my cousins). The nice ones (most of Aunt Margie's children). The mean ones (not gonna say which ones). The athletic ones, the academic ones, the.. see what I mean. I label them as well.. and yet none of them are just one thing. And I bet if I were to ask all of them would feel at a loss, less than what they seem or aware of their failings. 

While we can accept the definitions and make them part of us, because often they are right. We don't have to accept the ones that don't fit. I am learning how to let go of those definitions and slowly regaining my balance. It has been a healing road I have been walking.. and eventually I hope that I can embrace myself that when I face my family, I am the one who made it through the darkness. The one who defined herself, the one who smiles through tragedy and triumphed over failure.. 

Oh sure, I am still gonna be the daughter, the chatty one (seriously I keep trying to close my mouth but the words just pop out), The creative one (oh I hope so)... The one who believes, the one who has faith, the stubborn one, the defiant one.. 

The only thing I don't want to be is the one who is alone..

Shauni